


Moments after i have dreamed

by alexcat



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:48:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22458244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexcat/pseuds/alexcat
Summary: Steve and Stephen come together again after Thanos.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Stephen Strange
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18
Collections: Of Elves and Men





	Moments after i have dreamed

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to this series: [**More thicker than forget**](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1014312) I wanted to give them an ending. It is a little canon divergent from Endgame. 
> 
> The headers and the title come from e. e. cummings' poem [**it is at moments after i have dreamed**](https://www.americanpoems.com/poets/eecummings/it-is-at-moments-after-i-have-dreamed/)

1.  
 _It is at moments after i have dreamed_  
 _of the rare entertainment of your eyes,_

Steve Rogers was not what he once was. None of them were. He was still stronger than most and he could outrun and outfight the unenhanced, but there were great and vast voids inside him now. He didn’t think anyone else got out whole either. He knew he didn’t.

Stark was a frightened and broken man who seldom left his tower these days. The time on Titan and on the ship alone had left him hollowed out, like the spirit was gone and all that was left was a dull outer shell. 

Bruce was gone. Not dead, gone. The Hulk had left with the Asgardian woman for parts unknown. He’d simply refused to give the body back. Steve was fairly sure that Bruce had become too scared to fight for control with the other guy any more. 

Natasha and Clint had disappeared at the end, when the war was won. He wasn’t sure anyone would ever see them again. Clint’s wife had died during the snap and had not returned though his children survived. Natasha was helping him parent three children who’d lost their mother. Steve was sure she had all she could handle, and he’d always thought she loved Barton, despite the fact he was married. 

Sam survived and he had moved in with Wanda. She needed him at first because of her grief over the loss of Vision, but they seemed to need one another now. They lived in Wakanda, as did many of the warriors who’d fought in the final battle.

Thor had taken off with Quill and his merry band of misfits. He thought perhaps Quill and Thor had something going on. Maybe they’d find what they needed out in the vastness of space. 

Bucky was in Wakanda as well, living in his hut alone. He didn’t see anyone anymore and Steve knew he had to respect that, that Bucky would let him know if he wanted to see him again. 

And then there was Stephen Strange. 

He and Stephen had seen one another when they could for quite a while, but he hadn’t seen Stephen since the war. They had argued about Tony Stark before Thanos attacked and what Strange had called Steve’s unhealthy obsession. He’d found out about the phone and had gotten angry about it. Looking back, Steve realized he might have been jealous. 

He’d heard the Strange was back in the Sanctum. He closed his eyes and remembered the many nights that he and Strange had loved each other until they could barely move in Strange’s small room at the Sanctum, in various anonymous rooms all over Europe and, of course, the old estate in England where they’d really fallen in love.

He was about to go to the Sanctum. Wong had called and invited him over, saying Strange needed him. 

He took a taxi, getting out a few blocks from the building. He needed a few minutes to compose himself before actually seeing Stephen. 

“Hello, Captain,” Wong greeted him. 

“Please, it’s just Steve. Is he sick?” 

“No. He is different, but aren’t we all?” 

Steve noticed that Wong had lines on his face that had not been there before. He nodded his agreement. He had lines, too, and his hair wasn’t without a few streaks of gray in it as well. 

“We are at that.” 

He stepped into the building and went up the stairs to the room where he had spent so many nights with Stephen Strange. Strange was sitting by the fireplace. He looked up when Steve stepped into the room. A ghost of a smile played across his features. 

“Ah, my dear Cap. Did Wong call you?”

Steve nodded. “Are you all right?” 

“I – I don’t think any of us will ever be all right again.”

“You’ll get no argument from me. There are days I can’t feel anything and days I can feel everything,” Steve told him, seeing no need to sugar coat anything. He and Strange had been intimate not only sexually, but they had been honest about their lives to one another as well. 

“Tea?” Strange asked and didn’t wait for an answer before he poured him a cup.

Steve sat down and took the cup. He drank his tea black, no milk or sugar. So did Stephen. 

“What has happened that has Wong calling me?” Steve finally asked. 

“I haven’t left the house since my return. I can’t seem to make myself move.”

“Want me to drag you outside?” Steve smiled, a sad smile but still a smile.

“No. I think he just wanted someone to talk to me that wasn’t him. He knew that you and I – that we were – he knew about us,” he finished lamely. 

“Is there an us still?” Steve wasn’t sure he had anything left inside for anyone, not even Stephen. Did Stephen feel the same way, too?

“I don’t know what I am capable of now. I was – I didn’t actually exist for what seemed like eternity. It’s hard to live in real time and space again, hard to make the everyday matter.”

Steve put his cup down and reached out to Stephen. Strange’s hands were covered in his customary black gloves. He pulled back without thinking then forced himself to let Steve take his gloved hands.

“Can you take them off?” Steve nodded to the gloves. 

“Not yet. I don’t want – I can’t touch anyone, not even you.” 

Steve didn’t take his eyes from Strange’s when he lifted the gloved hands to his lips and kissed the gloves. “I’m all right with that. I – I never thought I’d see you again. I played the memories over and over in my head, the things we said, we did. I’ve missed you, Stephen.” 

He let go of the gloved hands after the kiss. Strange touched his face, laying his palm on Steve’s cheek before withdrawing his hands and lifting his tea. 

Strange looked into the cup. “I’ve often dreamed of you, of us.”

“Of the past?” 

Strange nodded. “At least you gave me something to feel – I am not sure I can feel anything now either. Can you make me feel, Steve?” He looked into Steve’s eyes.

“I don’t know. Mostly what I feel is sadness… no, I think it’s grief. I grieve for us all. We all died in that snap – every one of us. I am not entirely sure that we are alive at all.” 

“I’ve heard that Stark is a shut in,” Strange said. 

“He won’t see anyone most of the time. The Parker boy visits him now and again.” 

“What a brilliant light to be diminished like that.” 

Steve felt his own heart ache at the shell his own lover had become. Strange did not seem much different than Stark was. It was to them that Thanos had unveiled his plan in detail on Titan. Steve would never forget looking into those quite mad eyes himself, and he had only looked for a few seconds before – had Thanos killed him? He wasn’t sure, never would be. 

They sat for a long time, drinking their tea, not saying anything, not feeling any need to talk at all. After a long while, Steve rose. 

“I need to get back. I want to see you again, Stephen. Can I come here again? I need you in my life, in any capacity at all. I’ll take what I can get.” 

Stephen stood and came around the small table to stand beside Steve. He kissed Steve’s cheek, the slightest touch of his lips. 

“Please, come soon and come anytime. I – I’ve missed you for a long time. Maybe we can manage to get through this thing somehow. Maybe we can learn to live again. Most days I despair of that.”

Steve wanted to hold him close, but it seemed to be a bad idea to force contact right now. 

“Goodbye, Stephen. If you need me for anything, any time, call me. I’ll be here.” 

He went down the steps to the street and began walking. It was several minutes before he realized that tears were running down his cheeks. He walked and walked, not afraid of any violence that New York could offer. What the hell could happen that was worse than what he’d already seen? 

Later in his bed, he lay and stared at the ceiling. His mind wandered to those nights and days he’s spent with Stephen. Was it possible to get them back? Was he capable of love anymore? Was Stephen? He remembered every kiss, every touch of their time together. He remembered the wonder they’d awakened as they explored each other what now seemed like many years ago but was, in truth, only a few years. 

He felt the hot tears again and realized he was still grieving for himself and for Stephen Strange and what they’d once been. 

2\.   
_at moments when the glassy darkness holds_

Stephen Strange sat still for a long time after Steve left him. He wanted to feel some optimism, but he didn’t feel it yet. They had saved the world, maybe the galaxy, hadn’t they? That should make him happy, shouldn’t it?

“Wong, why did you call him?”

“Because you are sitting here all the time, staring into space and so was he. Perhaps eventually the two of you might find something useful to do if you see one another often enough. Or you can stare into space together.” Wong smiled as he said it.

“You are too nosy sometimes.” 

“I am. But I know what the two of you meant to one another. Do you think I didn’t notice how many nights you sneaked him in here from all over the world to spend the night with you?”

“Yes, I knew you noticed, but he didn’t always know. Sometimes he can be quite old fashioned.”

Wong shook his head. “He still loves you. Do you know that?” 

“Do you really think he does?”

“Yes, he got here in less than twenty minutes. He was worried about you. He looked frightened when I answered the door.” 

Strange nodded and rose from his seat. 

“Not going to sit there all night?” Wong asked. 

“I think I’ll sleep. Or try to anyway.”

“He lives in Brooklyn,” Wong said and handed him the address on a piece of paper. “Goodnight, Strange.” 

Stephen lay down in his bed and much like Steve, he thought of the nights they’d spent here in one another’s arms. He remembered the sounds Steve made even when they tried to be quiet. He remembered the sound of his laughter at something totally not funny. He thought about Steve crying out his name in ecstasy. 

He sat up and opened the drawer by the bed, he took his ring out and slipped it onto his finger. He pictured Steve lying in bed and made a portal. He stepped through it. Steve was indeed lying there. 

“I hoped you’d come,” Steve said and Strange could tell he was smiling by his tone. 

“Wong is a nag,” Strange answered and pulled the covers back and slipped into the narrow bed beside Steve. Steve pulled him close and soon, both of them were asleep and the ghosts and monsters didn’t bother them at all through the night. 

Stephen woke early and sat on the side of the bed for a few moments. He leaned over and kissed Steve’s cheek. “I’ll be back tonight.” And he was gone. 

Back in the Sanctum, he made tea and sat by the fireplace sipping it. Wong strolled in. “Sleep well?” he asked. 

“Yes, I actually did.”

“And the Captain?” 

“All night, both of us.”

“Progress then.” 

Strange looked surprised. “Progress?”

“You usually walk the floors all night. Knowing that you slept is progress.”

Strange went to the library and read in the Ancient One’s books. He knew that there were likely to be more threats after this one and he needed to be ready. He had, until now, ignored this knowledge completely. It wouldn’t do to ignore it too long. 

He heard the doorbell downstairs. He smiled to himself when his heart sped up a tiny bit at the thought that it might be Steve. 

It was. There he stood in the library door. 

“Hello, you. I – I didn’t want to wait until tonight to see you.” Steve was blushing! That was one of the things he’d loved about him, after all he’d seen, he could still blush like a schoolboy.

“I’m glad you’re here. I was thinking about going out somewhere for food. Other than coming to see you, I haven’t been out of here since I got back from -” There was no word for where he’d been, or at least he’d not come up with one yet. 

“Pizza. There’s a pretty decent little pizza joint not far from here. It’s small and kinda quiet.”

Strange nodded. “Gotta find something to wear. Sweatpants and bedroom slippers won’t do, will they?” 

Steve smiled. “They’re fine for me, but yeah, you might want to put on some jeans and shoes. People in walking around in bedroom slippers make everyone nervous.” 

They walked to the pizza place, a small little Italian place with only four or five tables. They sat at the table in the very back. It was sort of in an alcove so the light was dim and the candle in the Chianti bottle made just enough light for them to read the menu. 

They ordered pizza and beer. 

“Is there a light at the end of this, Steve?” 

“I hope so.” Strange was surprised when Rogers leaned across the small table and gave him a kiss on the lips. Just a touch, the kiss was, but it made him feel a longing that he’d despaired of ever feeling again. 

The pizza was good, thin crusted and cheesy. As they ate, they talked and smiled at one another now and again. The beer was cold and after such a long time without alcohol, Stephen felt a tiny buzz on the second one. 

Steve paid when they were done and they went out into the street. They headed back toward the Sanctum, shoulders touching companionably now and again as they walked along.

“I’m thinking of traveling to Wakanda,” Steve said. “I don’t know if Bucky will see me, but Sam and Wanda live there, too. I’d like to see how T’Challa is getting along.”

“How will you go?” 

“Airplane. Unless you want to take me there.” 

“Maybe in a few months, I can do that. Getting out is nice.”

“Are you coming home with me?” Steve asked him, looking quite eager. 

“Can you stay at the Sanctum?” Strange countered. 

“I can. You have a tiny bed though.” 

“We don’t need much space when we sleep like we did last night,” Strange said. They’d slept face to face, holding hands for most of the night. 

“All right, then.” Steve reached for Strange’s gloved hand and Strange allowed him to take it, even squeezing Steve’s hand reassuringly. 

When they got back to the Sanctum, they went to the small room that Strange slept in.

“Movie? We actually have a widescreen downstairs. Got Netflix, Hulu, not sure what else Wong has us subscribed to.”

“What sort of movies do you like?”

“I’m okay with anything but medical drama. Not ready to go there yet.” 

They settled on an odd sci-fi film called Snowpiercer. It was about a train traveling with the last remnants of the human race aboard in a world frozen and desolate. Wong joined them, bringing bowls of popcorn and sodas for each of them. 

“You know, Captain Rogers, that lead actor looks a little like you.” Wong pointed to the character who was leading the others in revolution. 

“He does, Steve.” 

Steve grinned. “Really?” 

Strange thought Steve was much better looking. “He’s not as good-looking as you. Is he, Wong?” 

“How would I know? I think Scarlett Johansson is prettier than Steve or you either one.” 

They all laughed, and went back to watching the movie. Sometime before it got too late, Wong drifted away, leaving the two of them alone. Strange smiled when Steve scooted a little closer. Sometime in the night, they woke and went to bed, sleeping in one another’s arms yet again. 

3\.   
_the genuine apparition of your smile_

Steve thought about Strange all the time now. They spent most nights together, though neither of them had touched the other beyond holding hands with Strange’s gloves still on and a chaste kiss now and again. 

Steve’s thoughts were becoming far from chaste though. His mind played the memories of making love with Strange over and over and his body reminded him that he certainly wasn’t dead yet, far from it. 

He felt like he was ready, but he wasn’t sure about Stephen yet. He’d not taken the gloves off yet, even when they slept. He closed his eyes and thought of those hands touching him. They might be scarred, but the pleasure they gave him was exquisite. He would wait. He should never have become estranged from him in the first place. 

They usually spent some part of each day together. Strange still ran the Sanctum and still had to keep an eye on things in the interdimensional world, something Steve still really didn’t quite understand, but he didn’t always understand the world he lived in, either. He did know that he felt safer with Strange keeping watch on things. 

He was retired as far as he was concerned. It was part of the deal he made with Ross. They both knew if he was needed, they’d call on him, though. Rhodes had negotiated the deal and was responsible in no small part for him being able to live quietly in Brooklyn. Ross would have stuck him in the Raft, if he’d had his way. 

Rhodes was a good man. Ross was not. It was that simple.

It was late already. He knew that Stephen had traveled to the Hong Kong Sanctum for at least part of the day and he was supposed to be here at Steve’s home soon. Steve was surprised anyway when Strange popped in suddenly. He always was.

“I’ll never get used to that,” he said as he greeted Strange. 

“Maybe I should call before I do it,” Strange laughed, that wonderful throaty sound that Steve didn’t hear often enough. He leaned close and kissed Steve, a quick peck on the lips. 

“How was your day?” 

“Busy… all in all a good day. Work keeps a man from doing too much thinking.” 

Steve decided to take a chance. “I know other ways to keep a man from thinking too much.” 

Strange arched one of those elegant eyebrows of his at Steve. “Oh, really? Thought all this out, have you?” 

“All fucking day, Doctor Strange,” Steve whispered the name as if it were a naughty word he didn’t want overheard. Steve stood and took Strange’s gloved hands in his. “Come with me?” 

“How can I say no, Captain Rogers?” Stephen growled the name and they went to Steve’s little bedroom. His bed, however, was not little. It was a king sized bed, plenty long enough for both his and Strange’s long legs. 

Steve began to undress Stephen, allowing the cape to remove itself, then unbuttoning his shirt slowly, running his hands over naked skin as he pushed the shirt open and back over Strange’s shoulders. He could see that Strange was a little thinner than before. He was sure it from whatever he had been through. He’d noticed it in all of the others as well. He wrapped his arms around Strange and kissed him, opening his mouth to Strange’s and allowing Stephen’s tongue access to his own mouth and his eager tongue. 

“Mmmm,” was the sound Strange made as Steve’s hands kept working on buttons and zippers while they kissed. Steve grinned into the kiss when Strange made a hissing sound as Steve slipped a hand inside his underwear. Strange was hard already and silky smooth to his touch. “I’m pretty sure this is how we started before.” 

“Maybe,” Steve answered, his voice low and intimate. He urged Strange back to the bed and onto it. Stephen let his trousers drop and kicked them away as he sat. “I like you naked.” Steve licked his lower lip and began to strip his own clothes off as Strange watched, the nature of his interest quite apparent in his heated gaze. 

Strange still had on the gloves when a very naked Steve came to stand directly in front of him. Steve reached for one hand and very gently slipped the glove off. He paid attention the beautiful scarred surgeon’s hands, looking at the scars and kissing them as if each one were an erotic joy to touch. Not only did the hands tremble as he kissed each one in kind, but Strange shivered and moaned as he did it. Once done, he captured Strange’s mouth in another kiss, this one much like the kisses he’d visited on those hands. 

“I feel undone already,” Strange murmured as Steve’s mouth wandered down his jaw to just below his ear. Strange pulled him onto the bed as he lay back, pulling his body and legs into the bed. Steve lay beside him as Strange lay on his back, kissing his neck and shoulders. His hands wandered farther down, below Strange’s waist to touch his erection again. 

While he was kissing Stephen, Steve reached into the drawer beside the bed. He flipped the cap on the lube and rubbed it onto Strange. 

“It’s cold!” Strange sucked in a breath. 

“It won’t be for long,” Steve reached behind and applied it to himself. He moved up to straddle Strange, reaching behind again to guide Stephen into his body as he slowly slid down on him. 

“Steve!” Strange ground out. “This is new.”

Steve grinned and began to move. He reached for those trembling hands, brought them to his cock. “Touch me.” 

Strange did, his strokes matching Steve’s rhythm as he rode. They looked into one another’s eyes. It had been a long time, and both of them were impatient and much needier than they’d realized. 

Steve moved faster, seeing Strange’s control slipping away as his own did. 

“Can’t – hold – back!” Strange cried out as he thrust up hard into Steve. 

Steve was answering every thrust with matching movements. The tension was building to the point of release for them both. Steve placed one hand over Stephen’s, hurrying his hand a little, whispering encouragements, when he came quite suddenly, spilling all over them both. 

He watched Strange, seeing his eyes lose their focus and heard his cries of Steve’s name just before he felt him come. Steve rode him hard until both of them were spent and quite breathless. He’d put a towel by the bed earlier and he grabbed it and cleaned them both after he’d moved enough to free Stephen. He then lay atop him, kissing his damp skin and laying his head on Strange’s chest. 

“I’ve missed you,” Steve told Strange. 

Steve slipped off of him and snuggled up to his side. Soon he was snoring softly. Strange smiled in the darkness and pulled the blanket over them both. 

4.  
 _the intolerant brightness of your charms_

Strange woke screaming. He was back in that – nothingness! He couldn’t breathe! He couldn’t see! 

“Stephen! It’s all right. I’ve got you.” Steve pulled him close and held him tight. “Shhh. It’s over. It was only a dream this time.” Strange fought him at first, but then he began to calm until he seemed to realize where he was. 

“That one was milder than most,” Strange finally said. 

“Geez, how do you sleep at all?” 

“I try not to.” 

Steve pulled Strange into a tight embrace and held him, smoothing his dark hair and kissing his cheek. He didn’t let go the rest of the night. 

Steve was still there when he awoke to daylight. “Good morning, you.” He grinned at Strange and shut his eyes again. Stephen had forgotten how young he still looked, even though there was now a little gray in the light sandy color of his hair. He felt protective of Steve, even though he was over a hundred years old now. 

Strange watched him as he drifted back to sleep. He was glad Wong had called Steve, but neither of them could stay here in this house forever. He knew Steve needed to get out, see his friends. He knew him well enough to know that he wanted to help them – especially Stark and Barnes. 

He, himself, had come a long way in these few weeks. He’d actually left the city to go to Hong Kong. He knew that his old friend was out there somewhere and that Mordo would surface again someday. He couldn’t afford to stop paying attention now. 

He was reluctant to leave the bed they’d made love in only a few hours ago. He really wanted to wake Steve and kiss him then do those things to him that he knew would render him senseless. 

He very carefully slipped the sheet and blanket down, and knelt over him, taking him into his mouth. He felt Steve’s involuntary movements first, the way his hips automatically responded to the stimulation. The little grunts were involuntary, too. 

He knew Steve was awake when he whispered, “Oh god, Stephen, please don’t stop, please, oh, oh…” His words trailed off into incoherent sounds again as Stephen took him as far into his throat as he could manage. He made a little “hmm” sound in his throat that caused Steve to cry out his name over and over and spill himself into Stephen’s throat. 

He licked him clean and carefully covered him with the sheet and blanket before looking up at his face. 

“I love you still, Stephen.”

Stephen moved up close to him. “Love you, too.” 

5\.   
_one pierced moment whiter than the rest_

The world seldom allowed him to live in peace for long. 

Steve had dreaded the moment that Fury or Hill would call him and tell him there was a problem. It was a new day and there were new heroes, but he was the only one of the old heroes still well enough or stupid enough, maybe, to let Fury call him. 

“Work?” Stephen asked, his voice sultry even though he’d just awoke. 

“Yeah. Maria says there’s some sort of – oh hell, I don’t know. I just want to stay here warm and naked with you. Is one night too much?”

Strange kissed his shoulder and swung his feet over this side of the bed as he sat up. “I’ll make you some coffee while you suit up. Call me if you need me.” He rose and went to the kitchen. 

Steve pulled on the suit, it was faded and beat up, but it still served its purpose. Stephen handed him a cup of hot coffee when he stepped into the kitchen. 

“I’ll be here when you get back, Steve.” Stephen was dressed only in his robe as he kissed Steve at the door. 

Steve smiled, warmed all over by Strange’s declaration. “I know.” 

He was smiling as he went to save the day yet again.

**Author's Note:**

> My [**Tumblr**](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/alexcat45).


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